As parents, we all want the absolute best for our children. Right? They may cry and complain, screaming that they hate us when we tell them that they can’t stay out past curfew to hang out with that boy 5 years older than them. “You’re ruining my life!” they yell as they stomp up the stairs, the sound of their door slamming reverberating throughout the entire house. That’s it. They’ve cracked the case. How did they know? We are, in fact, trying to ruin their lives. If you’re looking for a few more ways to screw up yours kids and make your kids hate you, read on!
Now that we’ve established that the care we administer to our children is simply a front, we can get down to the real business: not caring about them or their well-being. A surefire way to communicate this indifference to your children, is to not set up clear boundaries. Don’t give them any rules! No curfew. They don’t want to eat their vegetables? No problem! Give them a slice of cake instead! Their health is of no concern to you. In fact, stop reminding them to brush their teeth at night. Cavities are fun. It’s time to stop pretending that we care about our children, and give them the neglect that they want. After all, they claim so adamantly that we don’t care about them, and they’re absolutely right. Don’t wake them up for school in the morning. Let them stay out all night! The key is to make sure they know that truly, you don’t care.
Education does NOT come first
While we’re talking about no longer acting as an alarm clock to make sure your stubborn child wakes up in time to get to school, let’s establish that we really don’t care about their education. We only ask them to go to school because we hate them and want them out of the house! Your kids don’t even need school. They’ll learn just as much if you let them loose into the wild to learn to fend for themselves! After all, isn’t real life experience much more valuable than schooling? That’s what my children have been claiming, after all. Our children have finally exposed our cruel intentions behind school.
Those shady friends your kids LOVE
Something about wholesome children really seems to attract the shady kids that you were always warned would be waiting around the corner with a cigarette in one hand and an invitation to a life of addiction in the other. Is your child’s innocence really that important to you, though? No! We only keep them from those kids because we recognize that those other kids are the funnest people to befriend. We wouldn’t want our children having fun, of all things. Seeking out wholesome relationships with children that have similar interests has really just been a ploy to suck the fun out of everything our children do, all along.
Health and nutrition
Brushing your teeth is annoying, let alone things like flossing or making sure that you’re eating enough fiber. Do you think they’ve learned the ulterior motives behind pushing them to eat broccoli? If your child is smart they will have learned by now that we only feed them brussels sprouts so that WE don’t have to eat them! It’s true, we’ve been lying, and all vegetables are disgusting. We’ve been caught red-handed, feeding them green things and hoarding all of the desserts and breads for ourselves.
The dreaded bedtime
And while we’re at it, let’s talk about the sleep struggle. Let’s let our kids stay up later! We’ve been pushing them to go to bed by 8 or 9 their whole life, but only so we can have parties and watch all of the movies they’re not allowed to watch, once they’re fast asleep. Their whole lives have been absolutely filled with ridiculous trickery such as this. We don’t, in fact, actually care about the quality of sleep our children have. We’ve just wanted them out of our hair for goodness sake, so we could safely do whatever it is that parents like to do when their kids aren’t around.
So there it is. The evil parenting agenda that we’ve all been trying to hide from our children all this time. Just remember: somehow, your kids will make it through, and when they’re learning how to torment their own children, they’ll thank you!