You may have noticed that there haven’t been as many personal posts written lately and that is because I am having trouble finding myself. I know I am in here, somewhere. I know this is my body and I know this is my mind, but right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all.
I have been diagnosed with and live with Fibromyalgia, Severe Depression and Severe Anxiety. I have been swimming in a sea of pain, medication, racing thoughts, broken emotions, negative self behavior and more. Oh yeah, and I am also a mother, that has two children to take care of, one that is in a battle with his own mental health issues.
The pain I feel makes it seem like I have lost control of my body. The raging battle that is going on inside my own mind has made me feel unlike myself and the medications that I have to take make me feel like I don’t have control over anything.
Do you know what it’s like to lose yourself inside your illness?
It’s torture, because you are fighting a never-ending battle against an invisible illness all the while trying to maintain the fact that you are “okay” and keep your life on track on the outside. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever dealt with. To wake up, in pain. To fight my body and my mind to get out of bed. To battle my own body and mind to get ANYTHING done during the day. To fall asleep, mostly due to medication, filled with pain and mental anguish. It leaves me completely exhausted.
So, please understand if I am not publishing as many personal posts right now or if I am not as funny as I usually am. I am currently lost inside my illness and trying to find my way out.