There are things that you think about when you are young and then, there are the things that you never thought about. EVER. These are those things.
The things I never thought I would hear myself say.
1. Please don’t lick (insert random item here).
“Please don’t lick me.” “Please don’t lick the dog.” “Please don’t lick the meat.” “Please don’t lick the deli counter glass.” This goes along with the follow statement I made recently, “Just because you lick it, doesn’t mean you get to keep it.”!
2. We don’t do cannon balls on the couch!
“We don’t do cannonballs on the couch.” “We don’t para-jump off of the fireplace.” “The top of the couch is not a balance beam.” “Please don’t climb up the TV stand.” “The couch is not a jungle gym and neither am I!”
3. There are certain things you shouldn’t say to your mother.
“You aren’t supposed to tell your mother that her hair is sexy.” “I don’t want to hear about your “Life Plan”, which includes marriage and children, you’re nine.” “I don’t want to know that you like that lady’s butt! Again, you are nine!” “Please, don’t tell me about annoying videos that other kids get to watch that always end up with something vomiting.”
4. We keep our privates private!
“No, you can not go to the store with no clothes on!” “Wait a minute, what happened to your clothes?!” “Please do not touch yourself in public. You can do that in your room.” “Why are you rubbing your butt on the cooler doors?” “Why are you rubbing up against the cart?!” “No, you can not pee on the tree in the middle of the extremely busy park!” “Why are your hands down your pants?!” “Nobody wants to see your naked butt dance. Well, at least no one in this house does!”
5. Do you serve Kraft Macaroni here?
“Can we just get a plate of fruit from the bar?” “He says his burger is “too spicy”, can you please make a new one with only ketchup on it?” “Can we just order side items?” “Can you make the hot chocolate warm instead of hot?”
Bonus: (sarcastically speaking)
“How much do you think we could get for the pair of them?” “Is it too late to consider adoption?” “Let’s move to a country that provides nannies.” “Do you think the grandparents would notice if we left and didn’t come back?” “Sometimes, I look at my kids and think, Man, I should have kept my genes to myself!”