There is a crack in my parenting core and it is starting to crumble. I am Humpty Dumpty and I don’t know how or when I will be able to put myself back together again.
A few months ago, I started to worry about my son’s(9) behavior towards my daughter(3). He was mean, controlling and verbally inappropriate (saying things like, “Do you see a penis?” “The ponies committed suicide.” “The ponies like to drink wine and get woozy.”) when he thought no one was around. This triggered me. Why? Who knows? Perhaps it is because I was a victim of childhood molestation and abuse. I guess that could cause me to be on higher alert than most. I don’t know, but it scared me. One of my worst fears is the thought of my children going through what I did and the thought of that happening between siblings, kills me inside.
Before we continue, please know that my son has Autism. Part of this spectrum disorder is extreme impulsiveness and a complete lack of social understanding or respect. We have tried many, many things to help with this, but he is unresponsive. I am told by his psychiatrist that this is very common among kids with his diagnosis.
So, for the past few months, we have been vigilant about not leaving them alone together. Not at all. I even have to take one of them to the bathroom with me. I had come to terms with this. I had come to terms with the fact that this is how I was keeping my kids safe.
However, yesterday while at my son’s psychiatry appointment, his doctor observed interactions between the two and said that they shouldn’t be allowed to play together one on one anymore. My son’s play is very violent, destructive and often goes to inappropriate places. We have always constantly been on guard and correcting/stopping the play when needed, but now, now they shouldn’t play together at all?
I’m not sure why, but hearing this from another person, outside of our household, broke me. I cracked. I have been crying on and off. I can’t pull myself out of this dark hole and all I can think of are the worst case scenarios!
I know that he loves her, but do his impulses make him capable of hurting her or am I overreacting?
If anyone has any advice for me, please share it. I am all ears.
However, please remember that I am already in a fragile state, so if you are going to be negative or me, please keep it to yourself.