In high school, I expected that I would be in Hollywood. I was going to be a movie star! Travelling the world, no family, no permanent address, not a care in the world. Just a filthy rich nomad that had nothing to worry about.
Well, I don’t have that life. However, I do have things at 33 that I never expected.
I’ve got more than 99 problems and being a rich, nomadic thespian that gives no fucks, isn’t one of them. However, I do have bills, an Autism diagnosis, in-laws, tiny dictators, energy deficiency and more.
2. A Husband That I Already Knew:
I figured, if I ever did get married, I would be old, rich and married to a 20-year-old pool boy that only wanted my money. Instead, I got something even better. I got to marry the boy that was one of my best friends in junior high school and the source of my first, non-celebrity crush. How lucky am I?
Two of them, in fact, and neither of the are adopted or genetically engineered in a lab. When I was 15, I was told that I probably wouldn’t have children, so I always assumed that I would end up adopting (in my 40’s, once I was rich and could afford a nanny) or I would wait until I could genetically engineer my own offspring! (yes, I actually told people that I was going to do this.) Imagine my surprise when I gave birth to not one, but two dysfunctional, beautiful, crazy children.
4. Chin Hairs and a Mustache:
I always knew that whiskers were a possibility because they run in my family. However, going along with my original dream, I never thought I would have to deal with them. I thought I would have a team of beauty experts keeping my face hair free, but no! I have one spot of course, gray chin hair, a light black mustache, tweezers and occasionally, some hot wax.
5. A Mom Purse:
I never carried a purse. I always rocked a bitchin’ chain wallet that I used to accessorize with dog choke chains from PetSmart and bigger links of chain from the Home Depot. Now, I carry a purse. It’s got mom stuff in it, like my coupon organizer, my hand sanitizer, my wallet, 3 dumdum suckers, a pair of 2t panties from when my daughter was potty training (No worries, they are clean.), a whole lot of pens and the mom version of skittles, a bottle of ibuprofen.
6. A Blog:
Never, in a million years, did having a blog ever cross my mind. Well, until it did and then, I got sucked in and there is no escape. In fact, I have TWO blogs! Holy shit, I’m a blogger.
7. A Homeschool Room and A Homeschool Blog:
These really shocked me. I mean, first I didn’t even think I would have kids and if I did, I would be rich enough to send them to boarding school or something. Homeschooling is something that I truly never expected, but it was bore out of necessity and had to be done. The Homeschool Blog? That’s just fun and helpful!
8. A Small Dog:
I never wanted a small dog. I was a Pitbull, Doberman, Rottweiler type girl. Misunderstood dogs were for me and only rescues. Never bought, I love my mutts. Well, he may be a rescue, but he is a small, yippy, insecure, asshole of a yorkie and I love him. I call him an asshole because he is. I swear, every time I leave the house, he poops and pees at the bottom of the stairs out of spite!
9. No Teeth:
My teeth have always given me problems, but I never expected to have almost all of them pulled by the time I was 33. I have 7 of my own teeth left and that’s it. I also never expected that I would spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket, to have my teeth fix and dentures made, only to have the work be faulty and the dentures to not fit. I had them remade twice and then, the dentist started blaming me for the issues, therefore, I am left with no teeth.
10. Insanity, Sarcasm, Depression and Unconditional Love:
That’s right! Becoming a wife and mother has given me all 4 of those! Insanity, caused by my children. Sarcasm, it’s my favorite coping skill. Depression, it comes in waves. Unconditional Love, the only reason that I would not give up any of it for the life I THOUGHT I wanted.
The unexpected has been much more meaningful and fun!