Here I am, once again, exposing my reality. Letting you into the messed up thought processes that go on inside of this twisted and broken mind of mine. I don’t know why I share it. Maybe I want comfort. Maybe I want to know I am not alone. Maybe I am constantly bombarded by these thoughts and I just need to release them somehow, somewhere. Maybe it’s all of the above.
I like helping people. I like spreading joy and happiness by smiling and saying things like, “Have a great day!”. I enjoy paying it forward and knowing that I made someone’s moment.
I don’t receive back what I put out into the world. I haven’t had people offer to help me, people don’t smile at me and say, “Have a nice day” unless they are paid to and I have experienced very few examples of someone paying it forward. I don’t think that Karma exists and if it does, it is ass-backwards.
I love being a parent and becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so glad that I moved heaven and earth and walked through hell itself to bring my children into this world.
75% of the time, I hate parenting and 50% of the time, I am not even sure that I like my kids. I spend most of my day with a headache, waiting for bedtime and wishing that they were old enough to take care of themselves and ignore me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. We learn from our mistakes. Only you can rise above. Forgive and Forget.
I call bullshit. What doesn’t kill us can fucking destroy us. It didn’t make me stronger. It makes me weak, sad, confused, anxious, scared, angry, frustrated, protective, worried, frightened, mad, invisible, ugly, scarred, broken, defeated, defiled, mistreated, demeaned, villainized and re-abused. How do you learn from your mistakes when it wasn’t your mistake to make? How do you forgive someone for ruining your childhood? How do you forget that someone broke you and fucked you up for life? How do you rise above that?
This too shall pass. Tomorrow is a new day. Think about the good.
It never passes. It ebbs and flows, but it never passes. My problems are still my problems tomorrow and they are still going to be my problems the next day. The problems that I have are not ones that I have the MEANS to escape from or to step away from or to take time out for myself. They are always present and always in my face and yes, they do tend to make the good somewhat blurry, but I do see the good. It’s just skewed and blurry.
I don’t know what will happen to me in the next year.
I don’t know what will happen in the next 5 or 10 years.
I don’t know how my son will be. I don’t know how my daughter will be. I don’t know if I will still be blogging. I don’t know where I’ll be.
I do know that I will still be struggling with my demons. I know that I will still love my husband and I hope that he will still be by my side. I know that I will still hurt because I don’t know how else to be.