No one knows what it’s like
To be the sad mom
To be the bad mom
Behind My Anxious Mind
No one knows what it’s like
To be downgraded
To feel so hated
Because Anxiety Lies
(adapted, by me, from Behind Blue Eyes by The Who)
My everyday life is a constant battle with anxiety and depression. A lot of people assume that anxiety and depression just means that I’m sad and I worry a lot, but that is like one grain of sand on the beach. There is also fear, anger, insomnia, happiness, crankiness, confusion, joy and a multitude of other unexplained, unexpected feelings that can rain down on me at any moment.
I know that people often wonder what goes on in an anxious mind, so I thought that I would share a typical day with you Behind My Anxious Mind.
6:30am *alarm goes off*
I hit the snooze for all three 5 minute intervals and try to catch those last few flutters of sleeps.
I am not going to yell today. I am going to wake up the kids, make my coffee, let the dogs out and start the day on a positive note. I wonder how school will go for the boy today. I wonder if he will always need a para. I wonder if he will live with us forever. I forgot to check the school lunch menu, I wonder if it is something he’ll like. I wonder if the girl will wake up in a good mood today. I wonder why she doesn’t like me. I wonder if we will ever get along.
Dogs start barking. Go inside.
Fuck! The kids didn’t get up! I spent too long outside. God damn it, why didn’t my coffee brew. Shit, we are going to be late. I don’t want to be late. If we are late, I have to walk them in. Oh shit, we can’t be late. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Why won’t she just get dressed? Why does he make those noises? Why do I even make her breakfast, she never eats it. Why do they always fight? Why do they both have such bad attitudes? What am I doing wrong? This has to come from me, from my side, from my DNA.
God, we should have left 5 minutes ago! Oh my god, I forgot snack! We are so going to be late. I can’t walk them into the front office in my pajama pants. Why didn’t I put jeans on? I can’t do this anymore. I should just make them take the bus.
YES! We made it! I don’t have to walk them in! Oh my god, that was close. Now, I can go home. I wonder if I should get coffee. No, I should really just go home. I should get some cleaning done today. I wish I wasn’t so tired. Man, my back hurts. Why does my arm hurt? I seriously can’t have a heart attack. I don’t have time to die. I really need to lose weight. What would happen to my family if I died. Oh god, what if I died?
I’m finally home. The kids aren’t here, I should really get some rest and de-stress. Crap, I have blog work to do. The boy’s laundry basket is full. The dog’s need to go out. Look at all the dust on the mantel.
I really should take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night. I really have a lot I could get done though. I shouldn’t sleep when my husband is working hard. That’s not really fair. If I lay on the couch and sleep or watch TV, does that make me lazy? Am I fat because I’m lazy? Why I am so fat? Why can’t I lose any weight? I am seriously the fattest mom at school pick up. I wonder if other people notice that I am the fattest. I bet they do.
Oh shit, I forgot to eat again. I should really eat something. What should I eat? I don’t really feel like eating, maybe I’ll just drink some more coffee.
Ok, I feel a little bit better after talking to the hubster, maybe I’ll get a little rest. Oh crap, we need (enter some random item that I think we need immediately here.) I should finish my work and go to the store.
Damn it, I lost track of time. I guess I won’t make it to the store. I better let the dogs out, so they don’t poop in the house. Ugh, my phone is almost dead. I’ll charge it for 5 minutes before I leave. Why do I always do this to myself? Why don’t I give myself more time?
Ok, I’ll totally be on time to pick up the kids. I should paint the front door, shutters and flower box on the house. I should buy shelving units. I should pick up some more sponges. Maybe I should go to Target. Going to Target with the kids never works out very well. Maybe they’ll be good this time if I get them a treat.
This was the worst fucking idea ever. Why do I even try to bring my kids to the store? I always say I’m not going to and then, I do! What the fuck?! Why is she spinning on the floor? Why is he clicking? Is that woman judging me because my kids are misbehaving? Is she judging me because I am putting spaghetti o’s in my cart? Is she judging me because I am fat?! Jesus Christ, I have a headache.
Why did I even have kids? Do I love my kids? Yes, I love my kids. Ok, is it ok that I don’t like my kids? I really don’t like my kids. I LOVE my kids. I would do anything for my kids, but I really don’t like my kids. I like my husband. I wish he didn’t have to work. I wish he could be home more. I hope he doesn’t work so much because he thinks I’m crazy. I hope he doesn’t leave me because I’m crazy. I hope he doesn’t leave me because the kids are crazy. I hope he doesn’t leave me.
I can’t even parent. Why won’t they listen to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I such a fuck up? Why are they such assholes? At least they are nice to other people. Fuck!
I’m seriously done. I mean, I don’t even know what to do anymore. I am just going to sit here and try not to cry. Maybe I should cry. I don’t know. I don’t even know.
7:00pm – 9:00pm
I’m really glad my husband’s home. I wonder if he is really happy to be home or if he is faking it. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him. I like watching him take care of the kids. I wonder why the kids are so different around him. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should see a therapist. Maybe I am screwing everything up. I wonder if the kids will be ok. I wonder if I am fucking them up.
9:00pm – 12:00am
Yes, the kids are FINALLY asleep! I can spend some time with my husband and get some work done. I wonder if I am spending too much time on my computer. I wonder if I should spend more quality time with him. I wonder if I show him enough love. I wonder if he knows how much appreciate him. I’m not good enough for him. He deserves so much better. The kids deserve better too. It sucks that they got stuck with my hot mess ass.
12:00am – until the Ambien kicks in
I hope the kids are happy tomorrow. Did I start the washer? I hope the clothes in the dryer are dry. I hope the boy has a good day. What if he doesn’t have a good day? What’s going to happen to him as he gets older? Is he going to progress or regress? How can I prepare for this? How can I help him? God, why did I have to do this to him? I shouldn’t have had kids. The girl, oh god, the girl. Why does she hate me? What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this?! What if I can’t fix this? What if I don’t wake up? Did I kiss them goodnight? Did I tell them I love them? Did I kiss my husband? Did I tell him I love him? Do they all know how much they mean to me?
These are only some of the thoughts that I wrestle with on a daily basis. My anxiety, depression and low self-esteem can be crippling, painful and debilitating. I don’t know what goes on in other minds, or even other anxious minds, but this is what goes on Behind My Anxious Mind.